Saturday, June 25, 2011

What's in a name?

Two nights ago, I told my boyfriend that I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. Not going into too much detail, there were some things that I could not wrap my head around and tolerate about him. And it bothered me a lot.

I was very upset and it took a lot of crying and thinking to say those words out loud to him. And it upset him a lot too.

But here's the thing. Once I moved past that moment of removing the term 'girlfriend' off my head and the 'relationship' being over, I didn't really feel any different. I still love him, irrespective of the parts I am unable to tolerate right now. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. I still want to move in with him and make hundreds of his babies. And once the initial anger and stress of that night reduced to a calm nil, all I was left with was love.

It was strange at first - I was awkward because now I'm not the 'girlfriend', so there are 'boundaries' and 'ways of behaving' and 'distance' and stuff. He was supportive and loving all the same. I realised something here - something I knew all along, which was the first thing that brought us together.

The word 'relationship' is just that. A word. Girlfriend, boyfriend, going out, going around - and any other name you can think of - they're all words. And I've always maintained that I do not like them. I do not depend on them to define how I feel and for whom. But slowly they began to grow on me, and became part of the 'couples' herd. I never wanted to be anyone's girlfriend ever since I was a kid. Not because I didn't want someone to love me and vice versa. But it was the system of nameage that put restrictions on our behaviour. I mean, so are you telling me that once a 'relationship' is 'over', we are supposed to automatically 'hate' each other and not touch one another again? How does that work? How can a word faciliate or terminate an emotion? And why is it that once, you know, two people are certain they love eachother and spend more time together - it becomes a 'relationship'? Don't you have a relationship with your grandmother, your teacher, you dog and perhaps your personal laptop? Aren't they all relationships? Then how is this 'relationship' any different? Why must it be named? And why 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend'? Can't we all just be friends without specifying gender? I am aware of my sexuality and I'm sure my significant other is, too.

My point is that when I pushed this system out of the way two nights ago, I felt free. I was free, again, to love him as I please and be loved in return. That was how it all began two years ago, on that beach, where we decided we didn't want a 'relationship' and we would just go with the flow and see where things go. And I feel alive and giddy with excitement at that thought. It releases me from so many conventional pressures like marriage, baby-makeage, moving-innage and everything else. Sure, we aren't perfect and there are things that'll drive us nuts about each other. That's a given. But what's also very much real is that we love each other. There is no logic or reason. It just is. I can't tell the future, and I'm happy with my present - with him.

So for all practical purposes, this 'relationship' name game is over for me. I'm just going to go back to loving him as I please.

And if we must put a label on eachother, then can I pick my own name please? Not girlfriend. Trombone, perhaps? Good, sturdy sound to it, no?



Sunday, June 19, 2011

Two Guys and a Girl

Moving Out:
It's that time of the year, again, folks! Yes, you guessed it right - it's time for HOUSE-SHIFTAGE, yet again! Although I get the feeling that this time will be closer to a more permanent destination. Or atleast something you can call home for more than 3 years and perhaps for the rest of your life, without someone taking it away from you.

Figuring out how to pack all my belongings, fitting them all into the cartons I had saved from my last shift, and lodging them in my new home-to-be, which is a 1 room-kitchen (with terrace above) shared with 2 boys. There are a lot of factors in the statement above, which indicate that my shift will take time to get used to. But then all shifts take time to adapt to, isn't it? Each time, different flavour, eh?

We Are Family:
A friend of mine who grew up without a family has adopted my boyfriend and me as his family. It's quite an interesting and somewhat endearing situation I find myself in. He treats us like his parents (or maybe older siblings) who take care of him, feed him, medicate him, clothe him and also take him around with us, and spend time with him, advise him for his studies, guide him through his relationships; the list goes on. It takes a little getting used to, since he is a grown adult, but has overnight turned into a leetal boy who wants to be nurtured. He had already decided for me way before I did that I would be living with them. It just felt right.